Weekends.....

Weekends are when I tend to derail. I don't have a set schedule, I tend to sit at home and veg, which in fact doesn't have anything to do with vegetables. Unless they are covered in ranch dressing.

This weekend I worked Saturday morning, and one of my dear friends decided to bring doughnuts. I had two. or three. Then my mom decides to surprise me with lunch, a big mac, fries, and a coke. WTH People! See how I cast the blame there. Probably need to work on that. If I had any kind of willpower I would have passed on the doughnuts, or at least just had one. And I would have thanked my mom, and passed on the big mac and fries to one of my pregnant coworkers who could have used all those extra calories. But I didn't. Now I have to face the consequences tomorrow morning when my scales will be brutally honest with me, and show me just how bad I screwed up.

Sabotage....

I haven't exactly told my husband that I am trying to lose weight. Because as soon as I tell him, then I get the look everytime I eat something he doesn't think and then I get mad and eat more just to spite him, and it is just a downward spiral. But in not telling him I seem to be creating a reverse downward spiral, today he brought home a bag of candy from the store, and then he made chocolate chip cookies after dinner. Agh. I have no willpower at all!

So begs the question...to tell or not to tell.

Today I had a fabulous lunch date with the hubby. I debated salad/bacon cheeseburger? Guess what won? Yup. Cheeseburger. Almost my daily calories in one meal :/

Comfort food....

When I was a litte girl, my family didn't eat out. at all. But when I was sick, my mom would always suprise me with a happy meal. So now that has become my ultimate comfort food. A cheeseburger happy meal with fries and a hi-c. Healthy? no. yummy? eh. comforting? oh yeah.

So I have been sick. Nasty head cold, sore throat, headache and throw in a little nausea for good measure. Work today was miserable, so of course I left work and was in desperate need of comfort. I made a beeline for McD's. I got my comfort fix. and it felt so good! But the thing is, I know it is all in my head, not my stomach. So how do I re-program my head to think that veggies are the new comfort food?

On a side note, thanks to the nausea that is still all I have eaten today. So maybe I can manage to salvage the day, calorie wise. Healthwise is a whole other story.

Is one too long?

Take two.... What happened to take one? Did it float off in search of ramen noodles and Popsicles?

and again.....

Wow. I totally suck. So yeah I have let months go by since my last post. And I am not any better off. In fact I am about five lbs worse off. Sigh. Wanna hear my new excuses?

1)I moved. again. 2)The kids were out of school for summer. 3)It has been too hot to exercise. 4)I hurt my knee at work, so can't exercise now. 5)I started school again, no time now.

I need motivation! I can't keep going down this road. If I don't stop I am gonna be too fat to leave the house and then I am gonna die here and they are gonna have to get the jaws of life to get me out. Ok maybe that is a tad dramatic.

My high school reunion is in October. I opted not to go. I can't show my fat face in there! I am facebook friends with some of those people, and I intentionally only post pics of my kids or from the neck up. They can't know how fat I truly am.

What is your motivation? Can I borrow some?

Two years...and fifty pounds.

Sigh. Here I am. I could sit and make excuses all day long, none of which can remotely justify how I got here. I just know that I am here. Sitting not so pretty at 235 pounds. I want to cry and drown my sorrows in chocolate. Which is kind of how I ended up here. My life has certainly been topsy turvy over the last two years, a seperation, a reunion, the loss of someone dear, a new career, a couple of moves, and a seemingly forever revolving number on the scales. These would all seem like pretty valid excuses to explain my weight gain, but in all actuality it wasn't until life calmed down that I started to really gain. I am at a fairly content place in my life. After some really rocky times, my husband and I are madly in love, I have a job that I like, with people that I love, and I have some really great kids. I am, however not content with myself. I look in the mirror and I want to scream. I don't like what I see. I don't want to put on make-up, or even get out of my sweats, because no amount of cute clothes or make-up will hide the weight. I have spent countless hours trying to figure out how I let myself get here, but the real question I need to ask myself is how I am going to get away from here. I want to be successful. Truly successful. I want to change the way I see myself. I want to feel beautiful again. I am not setting any crazy weightloss goals this time around. My goal is to take better care of me, to look in the mirror and see me, not the fat girl that ate me, to be able to go out and hold my head up high, to want to show myself to my husband, instead of hiding with the lights out. So how do I do it?